Contrast, being in the cutting edge of deliberate creation, is a place Ive visited, often and sometimes quite frequently. That being said, Ive never managed to stay there long enough to say I live there . Ive come closer and closer to creating a vibrational match that aligns me with this place. Oh by rhe way, Im a recovering addict. Well, I was clean for quite some time. But I always eventually shoot myself in the foot!.
It seems that, for some reason, I must not believe that I'm truly worthy of being the best me. I'm guessing that deep down, doing what I came forth into this physical reality to acomplish seems to terrify the living shit out of me. I've been in Recovery since may 5th 1992. To date, I've never managed to aquire a substantial amount of clean time. Ive never managed to get passed 2 1/2 years. Ive been there or very clise to there several times. And I've had 1 year 3 or 4 times and made it to 18 months once or twice. Then BOOM! What happened? I'm loaded again!
It seems that over the years, as Ive uprouched middle age. Until now that I am
middle aged . Ive developed mental illness. Depression, bi-polor1, seasonal affect delpression and PTSD. Making it even more difficult to stay clean. I now know that I created these conditions. That on some level, they served my needs. That ships has sailed. Years ago as a matter of fact. You know what? I've decided that I'm not having it!
Over the last 5 years things have gotten progressively better. By leaps and bounds really. Ive tried learning to love myself more. Ok to be completely honest, Louise Hay taught me how to love myself. How to forgive myself and others. How to recieve prosperity and abundance. In 2000 I learned these things. Things got better, alot better. The. Worse and worse and better. Then worse but then even better than before. I could go on with this for hours, literally.
It's worth mentioning, in 1990, I tested positive for HIV. What I was told when I called the crisis line, was to get my affairs in order. You may have a year or two. Maybe not. There's nothingyoh can do but wait for it, make the most these next few months. In 1993 I toom AZT for maybe a month. I decided it wasn't worth it. Quality of life and all. I decided in 1994 that I'm not going to die from AIDS. As it turned out, my T cells dropped to 193 in 1994 technically and should have been diagnosed with AIDS. I shohld have applied tor SOCIAL SECURITY then. I would probably he making at least 3 times what Im making now. And would have been making it for 24 years!
It's very apparent to me that, i used to love myself and believe that I am worthy of life or I would have never lived long enough to be introduced to 'You can Heal Your Life". I was consistently healthy until 1996. I worked in a very high stress environment and office politics were not kind to me at that time. Around this time i had been told that I could work there as long as i wished, I wouldnt he fired. However, i would never get a raise ir a promotion. However, I was determined that I was worthy of being promoted even if I didnt have a college degree. Fact is i had helped the guy who was in the manager and owners ear about how he couldn't get any work done because of me. Which i guess was true because, if not for the sork i had fo e for him he wouldnt have gotten anything accomplished at all. I had been the unknowing recipient of sexual harassment and discrimination because i wouldnt have sex with him while the upper management was at lunch. Well, okay mqybe onfe was okay. That was it however, the dude was too many demons! The mire i knew the less I liked.
The job was 40 hours. The tension was so stressful by this time, it required me to spend Sundays at home in ned resting or I wouldnt get thriugh the next 3 days.
Every thing done in the dark always comes to light. Dude quit without notice. I got the pleasure of having a bad reputation as far as the new guy could tell. I also got tue pleasure of training the new guy, for the most part. Actually i trained him very well the manager was amazed at how quickly he caught on, he was quite impressed. The new guy, would have none of it and gave full credit where it was due. Over the next month he raved about what an asset i wss to to him.
I had made a decision 3 months prior. I had given myself 6 months to get a raise and a promotio within another 2 montus or i was moving on. I had 2 or 3 songs that oyt me in a high flying disk that i listened to every morning on the way work. At the tume, i knew nothing of vibrational energy or deliberate creation or healing my life. I not only got a raise and a promotion, I got a new doctor who took me from 359 t cells to 675 amd an undetectable viral load.
The last year or two, I have been closer to vibrational alignment than ever before. Ive stepped away from a very toxic relationship Moved accross the lake got what I thought was going to be a good job. Moved down the hill to put more distance between my ex and me. And I got the opportunity to help someone not lose their housing of 22 years. Things got difficult i used repeatedly and got laid off at the winter slow down. I keep thinking I'm through this spot and there i go again.
I'm still moving forward. Im going back to college and getting a degree . Im not letting the relapse stop me . Im going to stay inbtje stream of well being and go where the current takes me
